Countryman’s Letters

Here are a few questions that I’m hoping our dialogue will address/ connect (no need for each person to answer all; textual evidence requested):

Does Countryman find a home in his body? Where, if anywhere, does he find home? 

How does Countryman work through struggle and how do other characters help him along? 


Through Sontag, we’ve looked at how associations and representations of AIDS turn into weapons against certain groups. Can we continue to dive into how Countryman’s experiences reveal this process or challenge its power?

Comments

  1. McKenna VelascoApril 5, 2018 at 8:41 PM

    In response to your last question, I think Countryman's letters describe personal experiences that illuminate the negative affect of the associations and representations of AIDS present throughout society. Still, there are instances within Countryman's journey through AIDS that challenge this idea and show the strength behind those pushing aside negative associations and assumptions. In his first letter, Countryman addresses what it means to hide the disease, to avoid confrontation with it, to display to others that the AIDS he has contracted in fact does not exist within him, "hiding the condition plays into the notion that it is something to be ashamed of, something we "deserved", and that makes it harder for us to take care of ourselves." (pg 2) Similarly, Sontag discussed this in relation to cancer. Because of the negative associations, almost figurative side effects, that come with the different diseases, whether cancer of AIDS, one feels ashamed and compelled to hide their illness. In this, one may unintentionally play into the harmful effects of these representations that eventually become weapons. For Countryman, some days were better than others. Some experiences more positive than others, "Riding my bicycle home from the hospital, I am discouraged...a little angry at myself...and my primary disease starts its seductive line: Hey, what difference does it make? Everything's slidin' downhill anyway." (pg 4) Here, Countryman discussed being angry at himself, yet he has no reason to be. What AIDS conveys is an idea of hopelessness, that there can be no positive outcome. This is not true, but the associations that have been made with AIDS have perpetrated. Still, as I said before, throughout the letters, we can observe moments where Countryman has found a silver lining despite how others view AIDS, "I share about my gratitude: that today, I am alive--and I am more alive, more capable of living myself...than I ever have before." (pg 5) He challenges the negative representations of AIDS and chooses to see all that he still has and should still be proud of. These are just a few examples, but Countryman's letters contain many of these instances, going back and forth between revealing just how gruesome the emotional effects of the disease can be and challenging the surprising power these associations hold.

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  2. UnknownApril 5, 2018 at 9:13 PM

    I loved our discussion in class the other day where we found the aspects of Countryman's journey that challenged or related to the associations of HIV/AIDS. Each and every experience is unique. I think that his story shows the realistic life of a person living with AIDS and its ups and downs. My favorite moment of the letters was a quote that I shared in class: "So I got to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting instead, and the topic, as is often the case, if right on target: Gratitude...She has pulled me back from the very edge of self-hang destruction and given me that immeasurable gift" (page 4, letter 1). The fact that preceding this passage, Countryman was feeling discouraged and down. But instead of doing something harmful or internalizing these feelings, he went to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting. In this meeting, they discuss gratitude and further challenge the associations with drug users and/or people with AIDS. Countryman finds meaning out of this and is grateful for the fact that he is living. There are many places within the letters where this is evident. Through Countryman's life we are able to explore a true story of a person living with AIDS and finding where we were wrong with our associations. We are also able to see when/if he internalizes the associations that are "given" to him. In conclusion we are able to see if the map we made from Sontag's observations about HIV/AIDS holds true in a real life scenario.

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  3. Alina GiapisApril 5, 2018 at 10:12 PM

    In response to your question about whether or not Countryman finds a home within his body: I believe that while he struggled deeply to make peace with the physical and mental changes his illness caused in his body, being HIV+ also made Countryman all the more aware of his physical state, and he even expresses feeling “more capable of loving myself, and loving those closest to me, and letting them love me, than I have ever been before” because of his disease. From his letters, I do think that Countryman experienced discomfort with his body, especially as a result of the internal shame, guilt, self-doubt, and the external loss of the “capacity to run, to feel, to dance” because of his physical deterioration. But I also think that the way HIV forced him to change his lifestyle and learn to accept the love, help, and support of family and friends resulted in a positive change in “body” or in finding a place he could feel “home.” Countryman also describes going out to dinner with other members of his AA groups and finding little moments of serenity in talking to the community of doctors and nurses who treat HIV+ patients, and I think they form a part of the new environment in which he finds a home. These characters, the individuals who also attend his group/patient meetings and deal with the same pain, unwanted stigmatization, and physical pain, help Countryman work through his disease and connect with others who experience his same feelings.

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  4. Tom AmsbryApril 5, 2018 at 11:42 PM

    In response to the first question, obviously Countryman rides a rollercoaster of emotions and struggles and triumphs, but I think he was able to find, if not a home, at least some comfort in the AA meetings, the addiction meetings, and the HIV+ meetings. I find this passage on page 4 of chapter 3 to be one of the most poignant moments in the whole collection of letters. Although he doesn't explicitly state it, he seems like he finds peace in other people's similar experiences. AS we know from Sontag and from Countryman's letters, when someone gets diagnosed as HIV+, they begin to blame themselves for the associations with the disease. Countryman did this, but so did the rest of the people at the meetings that he went to, and I think that this was comforting for him. His sickness gives him a greater sense of life. When something is given an end date, the time before that always seems more real and valuable, and I think Countryman experienced that, "I see the hospital... it is like a slap in the face, the whole thing, the virus and maybe getting sick and not ever being well again and slowly dying... and a scream comes up and out: No! I am too alive! and I love this hard work and the sweat and the smell of the streets and the music" (Ch. 3 pg.6). The looming idea of death was enough to get Countryman to begin to enjoy the life that he had before it was taken over by negativity and suffering. I think that this is something that he may have learned from a meeting. He described people's experiences and the way that they coped with them.

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  5. UnknownApril 6, 2018 at 1:35 AM

    I currently don’t have the packets of letters with me…so that’s a thing, but regarding the second question, Countryman really does struggle with so many things happening within his body as well as in his mind. The disease of alcoholism mixed with HIV/AIDS does really affect him. That Doctor or nurse that he was talking to in either the third or last letter, gave him some peace of mind telling him that is is not his fault that he contracted HIV/AIDS because of another disease that he cannot control (addiction). For Sontag’s associations and representation of AIDS, Countrymen felt the effects of internalization like self-blame (from the conversation he had with the doctor/nurse) or in the last letter where he was finally fully pissed off and frustrated with his conditions and disease.

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  6. Annie SalvatiApril 6, 2018 at 7:34 AM

    I mentioned this in class a little, but through his writing, I could feel Countryman's internal conflict. His pushing and pulling against himself was so vivid and intense and as the reader you saw him and felt him beginning to want nothing more than change. To go on the journey with him as he made a wrong choice and took a step back and realized he had options was so powerful. He painted life to be a roller coaster of ups and downs, but still made it a something of beauty rather than a burden. "then I share my gratitude: that today I'm alive--and I am more alive, more capable of living myself, and loving those closest to me" He seemed to work through struggle by making mistakes and using them and the support of others to change his life. After the conversation with nurse--as simple and sweet as it was--he felt rejuvenated with life.

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